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Author Topic: Friendship Ghosting  (Read 384 times)
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Princess MS

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« on: July 22, 2019, 03:47:15 PM »

We all have busy lives or some more than others.... when you get a sense that a friend is deflecting conversation about a Birthday dinner etc do you think "this year they are not doing catch ups even for a 50th" and don't push ? 2nd year around then Huh? This week I got an email about maybe a dinner no phone call ... suggested they visit where I live as I can't drive ... called it out on the basis that I always make the effort to travel.... and that in effect they are fair weather friends. I'm ok with walking away even after 20 years but we have common friends?Huh?
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Kaiserin

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« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2019, 04:40:12 PM »

I'd not even call that "fair weather friends". I'd call that "acquaintance". Or even "former acquaintance".
And I won't push.

Look, you obviously weren't even worth them a call, only an eMail. Your time is too valuable to waste it on people who are not ready to make an effort for you, especially when in the past, you were always the one who made the effort.

The older I got, the less people I call really "friends". Because "friend" is whom I can call in the middle of the night with a problem, and they don't hesitate to help.  Friend is who is with me in good times and bad times. Vice versa, too, certainly.

The rest is "people I know" (even if I see them sometimes more often during the year than the friends, because the friends are farther away/busy with job/family/whatever - a real friendship can easily take times of radio silence - when both parts are equally eager to report back again when time allows).

The funny thing is that in my circle, lots of people get 50 this year, also my BF just some days ago. He kept his birthday dinner very small, only us and 2 other couples (they qualify all four in the "friends" section). On his big day, he got a lot of calls and messages from others, and there were really "acquaintances" of him amongst them who had the nerve to write a text message "Happy Birthday - when and where is the party?" - and this after they did not bother to give or return a single call in the 2-3 years before or had even declined repeated invitations to visit us in the new place when we moved in.
My BF is not as rigid as I am, or doesn't take such behaviour as offensive as I do, but I consider such behaviour as shitty and my reaction would be frosty.

I don't count any longer on messages saying "uh, we shall meet again someday somewhere". I'd rather rely on "sorry, we have just seen we'll be on vacation on your birthday, but we are back the week after and would love to see you on August XY though - is that possible on your end?"

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Snow Queen

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« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2019, 05:01:00 PM »

Friendships ebb and flow over time but there should still be equal love and care between the friends. If not, I would re-evaluate the friendship and consider if that person is someone who needs to be in my life at this point in time. Your needs are important and if they arenít being met by the friendship then it may be time for a break or move them into the acquaintance category.
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Princess MS

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« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2019, 05:29:07 PM »

Thanks ... I'll just not initiate any contact.... if I don't hear back after what would clearly be a signal of "not happy" then I'll let my so called ex friend go .... away I still hear my mother saying I can't talk to you at night as you listen to her for hours every night... she was my best friend I thought...
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Lady Liebe

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« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2019, 05:31:04 PM »

Friendships ebb and flow over time but there should still be equal love and care between the friends. If not, I would re-evaluate the friendship and consider if that person is someone who needs to be in my life at this point in time. Your needs are important and if they arenít being met by the friendship then it may be time for a break or move them into the acquaintance category.

Princess MS, I'm sorry for your loss, because it is a loss and needs to be treated as such.

There will always be change, and while we would wish others to be different, they are who they are. You can move them over to the acquaintance slot, mourn a bit for friendship that was, and reflect on the good times.


a real friendship can easily take times of radio silence - when both parts are equally eager to report back again when time allows).


I've one good friend like that - it's a rare treat and takes a certain kind of person on both sides.


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Lady Willoughby

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« Reply #5 on: July 22, 2019, 05:36:27 PM »

Thanks ... I'll just not initiate any contact.... if I don't hear back after what would clearly be a signal of "not happy" then I'll let my so called ex friend go .... away I still hear my mother saying I can't talk to you at night as you listen to her for hours every night... she was my best friend I thought...

What a timely thread for me. Just went through a hurtful episode with a very close friend. Sheís godmother to my youngest child type of close. RSVPíd to come to my oldest childís party along with her son who is very close to my child. A week ago said she couldnít come and gave no reason. Discovered last night after we returned home from the birthday party that her reason was going out on the town all day drinking for no special reason. I could not just hold it in and I confronted her with my hurt and she couldnít bother to even offer the slightest excuse just reacted as if I hurt her by telling her I was quite hurt by this...I donít know how well weíll be able to work through this, but Iíve appreciated the old maxim that you naturally gather a much smaller circle around you as you age...maybe wasnít quite expecting that to apply to a friendship so close though.
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Princess MS

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« Reply #6 on: July 22, 2019, 05:37:29 PM »

Thanks all for the advice and feedback... maybe I saw the signals and didn't want to "see it" .... there will be hurt still but time to move on ...
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Princess MS

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« Reply #7 on: July 22, 2019, 05:44:23 PM »

Thanks ... I'll just not initiate any contact.... if I don't hear back after what would clearly be a signal of "not happy" then I'll let my so called ex friend go .... away I still hear my mother saying I can't talk to you at night as you listen to her for hours every night... she was my best friend I thought...

What a timely thread for me. Just went through a hurtful episode with a very close friend. Sheís godmother to my youngest child type of close. RSVPíd to come to my oldest childís party along with her son who is very close to my child. A week ago said she couldnít come and gave no reason. Discovered last night after we returned home from the birthday party that her reason was going out on the town all day drinking for no special reason. I could not just hold it in and I confronted her with my hurt and she couldnít bother to even offer the slightest excuse just reacted as if I hurt her by telling her I was quite hurt by this...I donít know how well weíll be able to work through this, but Iíve appreciated the old maxim that you naturally gather a much smaller circle around you as you age...maybe wasnít quite expecting that to apply to a friendship so close though.


LW I understand... if people have new friends then I'm happy for them.... I don't want to be included in everything but the cold shoulder is unnecessary... I won't be doing any social occasions with common friends as that would be awkward for all concerned
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